


The Daily Schitter

by Coffee_Flavored_Kisses



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: AU, AU Meeting, F/M, M/M, advice columnist au, goshi sprinkle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:14:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22193890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coffee_Flavored_Kisses/pseuds/Coffee_Flavored_Kisses
Summary: Patrick Brewer, 32, offering advice to young entrepreneurs just starting out. Shoot me your questions and I’ll try to answer the best I can!David Rose, art curator and lifestyle guru. If you don’t take my advice, why did you even ask?An AU of Patrick and David as competing advice columnists working for the same paper.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose, Patrick Brewer/Rachel
Comments: 24
Kudos: 189
Collections: Goshi Sprinkle Prompt Fics





	The Daily Schitter

**Patrick Brewer, 32, offering advice to young entrepreneurs just starting out. Shoot me your questions and I’ll try to answer the best I can!**

**David Rose, art curator and lifestyle guru. If you don’t take my advice, why did you even ask?**

_ Dear Patrick, _

_ Recently my father informed me that when he retires next year, he’d like me to take over the family business. He owns a pretty successful mechanic’s garage, but I don’t know much about cars at all. Do I tell him that I don’t think it’s the right path for me? Or do I just try to learn along the way to make him happy? Thanks! _

_ _

_ Sincerely,  
Making Decisions in Elmdale _

  
  


Dear Decisions,

I’m not going to pretend there’s an easy answer here. A lot of times, we make decisions for ourselves because they are practical, not because we’ll enjoy them. Does that mean that the decision is wrong? I sure hope not! I make decisions every day from the head without listening to my heart. Emotions make for good movies, but they don’t really make a lot of sense in the real world.

My advice to you is to spend the next year working alongside your dad in the shop learning everything you can. By the time he’s retired, you’ll probably know more than enough to feel comfortable taking over!

Hope this helps!

Patrick

Dear Decisions,

If you don’t want to take over your dad’s business, don’t. Speaking from experience, I can tell you that people are going to expect a lot of things from you throughout your life, and you can’t expect to live up to those. Life is short. Spend some time with friends on white sandy beaches and practice self-care by telling your dad that cars aren’t your thing. If I had taken over my dad’s business when he wanted me to, I’d have driven it into the ground long before a certain shady family member who shall remain unnamed had time to take off with the profits, and I wouldn’t be writing this article right now.

On second thought, maybe I should have taken it over…

David  


* * *

_ Dear David, _

_ My mom left me a hefty sum of money when she died, and I’ve kept it in savings until now. It’s built up a lot of interest, and I realized I have enough to either buy a brand new home in the subdivision a couple miles up the road, or I can pay off my student loans. Now that I’m at an age where I’m starting to think of settling down, I’m leaning toward the house option. On the other hand, at this rate, I won’t be done paying off my school loans until I’m almost fifty. Any advice? _

_ _

_ Sincerely,  
Wealthy with Woes in Springfield _

  
  


Dear Wealthy,

Just how wealthy are we talking? If you want to discuss this further in person, contact the paper to get in touch with me. If you don’t, forget this.

My advice to you would be to do neither of those things. You are a young, wealthy, intelligent individual who is hopefully attractive and open to meeting up. It’s important you think about the more important things in life, like sowing your wild oats and traveling the world, building up a portfolio of experiences you can hold onto and think fondly of in the dark times. There’s a whole world outside this lonely province, and you need to take advantage of all it has to offer before you throw away your life for a trophy spouse and PTA meetings. Marriage is nothing but a government contract and buying into society’s expectations just feeds into the machine.

David

Dear Wealthy,

Respectfully, I’m going to disagree with my colleague. I just got engaged myself and can tell you that it’s not as easy to get started in life as it may seem, even if you have the funds. Anyone who’s starting to focus on settling down and starting a family knows that sometimes just the thought of it can be overwhelming and even downright terrifying. You’ll second-guess yourself a lot and wonder if you’re doing the right thing, but I’ve been told this is completely normal. That being said, I would do the following:

Invest in low-risk stock options that require minimal cost to start. Pay a large chunk of your student loans off, then negotiate the rest into a payment plan of no more than ten years. At this rate, given the national average, you’ll have a higher payment for a shorter amount of time, but you’ll save nearly ten thousand in fees and interest. Finally, set aside enough of your inheritance for a down payment, and focus on a fifteen-year fixed rate on a home with high resale potential. If you can do all these things, you’re killing multiple birds with one stone.

Having a lot of money doesn’t make anyone an expert, so I would advise you not to listen to the loudest voice on the matter, but rather the wisest.

Good luck!

Patrick

* * *

_ Dear Patrick, _

_ First of all, congratulations on your recent engagement! _

_ Second of all, I need your advice on a business I’m trying to start with my brother. We’re both carpenters, but neither of us does it full-time. My “day job” is as a school teacher, and his is as a bank manager. Both of us are very passionate about woodworking so we’re talking about opening our own shop. We just don’t know how to get started. Any tips? _

_ Thanks! _

_ _

_ Sincerely,  
Nervous but Excited in Schitt’s Creek _

  
  


Dear Nervous,

First of all, thank you.

Second of all, it has always been a dream of my own to start a business. At this point in my life, I think I’m probably not going to be able to do so for some time yet, as a lot of my focus lately has been on my upcoming marriage. However, I do think it’s important to take business classes and especially accounting courses in preparation. Since you’re starting a new business from scratch, you probably won’t be seeing a profit for a long time. You’ll be doing your own bookkeeping, or at least you should be to help keep costs down. In fact, anywhere where you can cut costs by doing work yourself, I’d say do those things.

But here’s some great news: You live in Schitt’s Creek! Because of this, I can tell you exactly where to go to apply for your business license and who to see. That would be me! I work for Ray Butani, a former town councilman who now manages a number of businesses and assists in getting permits approved for the town. Call up the office and make an appointment. I’d be more than happy to help!

Patrick

Dear Nervous,

I’ve been known to do a little “woodworking” of my own.

I’m also in the process of starting my own business. My plan is still in the very rough sketching phase, but  _ In Touch Magazine _ once followed me through three nights in Cancun for a blog post and said that after observing me there’s “almost nothing that he can’t or won’t do.” That being said, I might need a carpenter when work in my business gets underway, so please feel free to leave a business card with Mr. Brewer when you and your brother get started. By the time I need my own license, if your business is still around, I’ll consider you.

David

* * *

_ Dear David, _

_ Last year, my brother informed me that he would be leaving the country. I told him not to take my Louis Vuitton because it is my favorite bag and I got it from Anna Chlumsky’s hair wrangler after a series of events which led to my brief stint in jail, so it was basically the least she could do since I was only there in the first place because she needed that dye they don’t sell in North America. Anyway, he did take my Louis Vuitton, and he says he didn’t, but I know he did. I want them back, David. _

_ Angry in an Undisclosed Location _

  
  


Dear Angry,

Don’t be a little B. And maybe if you cleaned your half of the room, you’d find the things you lost.

David

Dear Angry,

I’m not really sure what’s going on, but I do have some relationship with the idea of stolen and lost property, so I’m happy to offer my advice.

If you’ve already contacted the police and they are unable to assist, try finding a lawyer who specializes in small claims and civil suits. Be sure you have proof that the luggage was owned by you and some form of documentation of its value. Lawyers can be expensive, so consider whether it’s even worth it in the end, or if forgiveness would be a better way to go.

Hope this helps.

Patrick

* * *

_ Dear Patrick, _

_ Is print really on the downturn? I want to open a print shop, but I’m hearing that it’s not the best idea in this current economy. Thoughts? _

_ _

_ Sincerely,  
Curious in Columbia _

  
  


Dear Curious,

Print is a very broad medium. Additionally, some regions may rely on print more than others. I would recommend researching statistics on this in your immediate area. I’m a big believer in going big on your dreams, so I say if your budget can handle it, and if you can afford the gamble, go for it!

Patrick

Dear Curious,

Print is dying. Get a new dream.

Regarding the advice column that ran Friday of last week and a question posed by Angry in an Undisclosed Location, I would like to counter a piece of advice given by my colleague, Mr. Brewer:

Sir, this woman cannot prove ownership as the bag was stolen in the first place. Therefore, whoever took it was just as rightful in doing so as this woman was in the first place. Stolen property, if not returned to the original, rightful owner, remains under the law of Finders Keepers. If she sued me, she’d have no case.

David

* * *

_ Dear David, _

_ My best friend wants to take me out to eat for my birthday, but I’m on a diet. She’s always choosing places that are uber-decadent and give the customer full plates of food and all that, and I’m still trying to lose those last five holiday pounds! What’s a polite way I can tell her that I would like something more sensible for my birthday? _

_ _

_ Sincerely,  
Feeling Bloated in Elm Falls _

  
  


Dear Bloated,

Your friend is trying to feed you. Food is the universal language of love. Unless your health will suffer, always accept food as a gift. I have had friends who gave me all sorts of things for my birthday (when they even remembered it, which no one has for several years now), but never a meal. Dinner sounds like the perfect way to celebrate. Count yourself lucky. Then, when you get to the restaurant, order the healthiest thing on the menu.

You may not lose those last five holiday pounds, but you also won’t lose your friend.

Happy birthday, by the way.

David

Dear Bloated,

For once, I’m going to agree with my dear friend, David Rose. Perhaps over dinner you can even explain to your friend that you hope she’ll understand why you’re not eating as much as usual. Or you can just go ahead and eat as much as usual because it’s your birthday, and if you can’t eat as much as you want on your birthday, what’s the point?

As an aside, I’d like to remind Mr. Rose that The Daily Schitter keeps a log of all employee birthdays, and I would be more than happy to keep it in mind until such a time that I can redeem myself for the disagreements we’ve had in the past. Maybe I can also buy you your own luggage as a birthday gift so that you no longer need to “borrow” it from your sister.

Sincerely,  
Patrick

* * *

_ Dear Patrick, _

_ My boyfriend and I have been together for six years. I’m a big believer in opposites attracting, so I don’t often concern myself with the little things he and I can’t enjoy together. However, I recently bought us both tickets to see P!nk live for our anniversary (she’s my favorite performer). When I showed him, he just cringed and said, “I can’t stand her,” and told me to take a friend instead. Maybe this shouldn’t be bothering me so much, but I don’t know. We don’t have to enjoy everything together, but I would at least like him to support some of my interests. Any advice? _

_ _

_ Sincerely,  
Heartbroken in Schitt’s Creek _

  
  


Dear Heartbroken,

Trust me, I feel you on this one. My fiancée and I have a lot of differences, too. And I’ll be honest, we’ve even broken up a few times because of them. But then I realized that if I focused on our similarities instead, it changed the game for us. For example, we’re both fans of action movies. I love Paul Walker, so we watch the  _ Fast and Furious _ movies a lot. I’m also a big fan of Ryan Reynolds, so we decided to give  _ Deadpool  _ a try and loved it. I can’t get enough of Idris Elba, either. And Ryan Gosling. So anything they’re in, I watch. And I’m lucky I’m with a girl who likes those movies, too, you know? So that’s what I would focus on. It’s fun to celebrate the differences.

I don’t like giving up on relationships. I think love is real and that there’s someone for everyone who wants someone. You just have to work really, really hard at it sometimes. No one said it would be easy.

I’m rooting for you guys!

Patrick

Dear Heartbroken,

Dump him.

Mr. Brewer, I am not your friend. We may work for the same organization, but we have never even met. That being said, my birthday is next month, and I’m a big fan of food (and luggage).

David

* * *

_ Dear David, _

_ I’m writing to you because I don’t know what else to do. I think my fiancé might be pulling away again. We’ve broken up a few times, gotten back together again, and this time I really thought it would stick. But then some stuff happened last week that made me think maybe it’s going to happen again. I know that writing to you is risky, but please tell me how I can find out if he’s in it for good this time. I just feel sick thinking I might lose him for good. _

_ _

_ Sincerely,  
Worried in Wilhelm _

  
  


Dear Worried,

I’ve never had much faith in marriage anyway. If he’s not giving you the time and attention you deserve, I think you should let him go. Being single is a gift, honestly. But if you are going to be with someone, you deserve someone who isn’t going to make you doubt everything. Choose someone who treats you like you deserve, pays attention to you, and does little things every day to make you notice them. I don’t think I’ll ever want to get married, but if for some reason something possesses me to settle down, I won’t accept anything less.

David

_ Mr. Brewer declined to contribute to this article. _

* * *

_ Dear Patrick, _

_ My wife and I are finally upgrading and buying our first home. She wants something older, maybe even a fixer-upper. I want something move-in-ready and newer. I know you recently urged a reader to celebrate her differences with her boyfriend the way you and your fiancée celebrate yours, but how do we work through this problem? It seems like a pretty big one! _

_ _

_ Sincerely,  
Ready for progress in Elmdale _

  
  


Dear Ready,

I’ll be honest with you – I’m not sure how to answer this. My fiancée and I unfortunately split up last week, so I’m not sure I’m the best with relationship advice. I would just say that you should talk over your options with your lender and see what you can afford. It could just be that you have no option other than the fixer-upper. Whatever you do, just try to remember to respect each other’s choices and talk everything out.

Patrick

Dear Ready,

If you can’t afford move-in ready, don’t do it. I’ve seen home improvement projects fail and bring marriages down with them. It’s just not worth it.

To my colleague, Mr. Brewer, I am sorry about the recent life change. My number is in the employee directory if you ever want to reach out. Or take me to dinner for my birthday, which is now just two weeks away. But it’s no hurry.

David

* * *

_ Dear David, _

_ Any advice for telling my crush I like him? I’ve known him three years and sometimes I think he likes me back, but I just don’t know. I guess I need to be brave, but I don’t know how. It’s killing me! _

_ Dying in Elm Falls _

  
  


Dear Dying,

I’m a big believer in keeping your feelings crammed into a tiny ceramic bottle tucked deep down inside where no one can find it.

So no. No advice.

David

Dear Dying,

Try taking him to dinner. Give him something sentimental as a gift. See what happens.

David Rose, we have reservations at the only café in town. Friday at 8. See you there.

Patrick

* * *

_ Dear Patrick, _

_ Sorry about your recent breakup. I also find myself single after several years, and I’m really trying to get myself out there on the dating scene again. I know this isn’t business advice, and I’m sorry if this is too soon, but you seem pretty level-headed (no offense to your colleague). Hope you’re well. _

_ Finding Confidence in Madsen _

  
  


Dear Confidence,

I don’t know how to give you the nerve you’re looking for. I’m not the Wizard of Oz, after all. But I do think that sometimes you find what you’re looking for when you’re not even looking for it. My best advice would be to take your shot and stick with it. If it isn’t meant to be, you’ll know soon enough, and then you can move on. Chase the things you want and don’t accept anything less than the best. You deserve the best.

Sincerely,  
Patrick

Dear Confidence,

Get yours. Don’t be so concerned about finding “the one.” If someone does come into your life, and if they do something meaningful like, say, framing the clippings of your first interactions and giving it to you as a birthday gift or something, maybe it’s the sort of thing you should stick with. But my colleague is right. You deserve the best, and you should hold out for it. Iin the meantime, do something more important than worrying about love, like finishing whatever show you started binging last or getting your eyebrows shaped.

David

* * *

_ Dear David, _

_ You seem a little cynical when it comes to love. What gives? _

_ Nosey in Schitt’s Creek _

  
  


Dear Nosey,

I’m not sure what you mean. I don’t think I’m cynical about love so much as I’m realistic about it. Even though I’m recently in a relationship that’s going well, I’m only too aware that it could end at any time due to what will probably be my own big mouth or some insecurity that pops out at the last minute.

And anyway, this is an advice column. If you’re not asking for advice, I’m not sure why our editor referred your question to us.

David

Dear Nosey,

Maybe you’re asking because you aren’t sure how else to gain insight on dating someone like David. But also, maybe David should learn to trust his new partner and bask in the happiness taking place in his life now. Nothing’s going to ruin that. Not even his big mouth.

Patrick

* * *

_ Dear Patrick, _

_ How do you know when you’re in love? I’m sorry that you’re the one getting the relationship questions lately, but it seems like you’ve gone through so much that you’re in a better position to offer advice. I’ve been with my girlfriend for about six months, and she says she loves me, but I don’t think I’m ready to say it back. As someone who’s been in love before, how do you know when it’s real? _

_ _

_ Sincerely,  
Conflicted in Schitt’s Creek _

  
  


Dear Conflicted,

I think when it’s love, you’ll know. I wish I could be more specific than that. All I know is that sometimes you’re with someone for years and you think it’s love, but it turns out it’s not the right kind of love at all. And then sometimes you meet someone, and the first time your eyes meet, you already feel it. I can’t explain it, though. All I can say is that when you’re in love, you’ll just know.

Wish I could be more helpful.

Patrick

Dear Conflicted,

I will attempt to put mushy sentiment aside and ignore my colleague’s words. I will then try to tell you something practical that will help you.

All I can come up with is this, though:

If you find yourself comfortable, knowing you can be exactly who you are when you are with that person, it’s probably love. When your thoughts of that person aren’t as good as the time you actually spend with that person, it’s probably love. If that person doesn’t expect anything from you when they tell you they love you, and you want to give them everything anyway, it’s probably love.

Or maybe Patrick’s right. Maybe it’s just a feeling and you’ll know when it happens. But I think it might be happening to me, and if it is, then it’s exactly what I described to you.

David

* * *

_ Dear David, _

_ I’m looking to start a new career path. I’d love to do something in writing, but I don’t have any idea where to start. I just closed up my general store and am looking to do something where I can be of some help to people. How can I find my new path in life? _

_ _

_ Sincerely,  
Enthusiastic in Elmdale _

  
  


Dear Enthusiastic,

I won’t get into details, but I will say that I think your career move is going to be beneficial to certain people very close to me. The fact that you’ve relocated from Schitt’s Creek to Elmdale means you’ll have more opportunities. In fact, I will soon be leaving my post here to start my own business as I’ve been dreaming of doing for years now. If you apply here, I will give you a stellar referral for this job.

David

Dear Enthusiastic,

I will also be leaving my post here. Talk to our manager, Rhonda. She’ll definitely give you a shot. People aren’t exactly knocking down the doors to take away these columns from us.

Patrick

* * *

**_A personal note from the desk of Patrick Brewer:_ **

Dear Readers,

It has been one of the highlights of my life writing this column for you all this past two years. When I took this job, I was just trying to earn a little money on the side to afford a wedding to someone I had no business marrying. She is an incredible woman, but I was trying to make her believe that I could offer something I just couldn’t. Now, I am happy to say that she and I have been able to keep in touch, we’re both in a better place in our respective lives, and taking this job ended up making all the difference.

To Rachel, thank you for your understanding when my life was uncertain.

To Rhonda, thank you for taking a chance on me. I’m not great with words, but I appreciate you giving me a shot.

To my readers, thank you for trusting me with your life choices.

To David, I think we should celebrate new beginnings. Maybe we’ll go on a hike, have a picnic. I think you’ll like it.

I look forward to leaving this advice article in capable hands. I’ll be reading along with all your journeys.

Love,  
Patrick

**_A personal note from the desk of David Rose:_ **

Readers,

I would say it was the joy of my life to work for The Daily Schitter as an advice columnist this past two years, but I would be lying. I was over the power trip afforded to me by telling people what to do with their life pretty much immediately. I was bored and broke and newly relocated when I took this job, and slowly, things started making sense again. I suppose I should thank you all for that, but I know that in the end, it was only Patrick. Always Patrick.

And Patrick, if you’re reading this for some reason, I’d be happy to go on your little hike with you. But only if you agree to finally watch Notting Hill with me beforehand. I think you’ll like it.

I won’t miss this place.

David

**Author's Note:**

> All the thanks to Nicole for formatting this and betaing and being the best egg I know.


End file.
